Dear Grandma

For Christmas all the grandchildren on my mother's side of the family were asked to write a letter to our Grandma, in place of our usual gift-exchange. There were no real parameters for what this letter should be. It was more of a "Let her know what you've been up to. Let her know she's special," sort of a thing.

My relationship is somewhat unique, however, since I live in the same city as my grandmother, and we try to stay in touch frequently. Also, over the past 12 years, I have lived with my Grandma FOUR times, from periods of 2 weeks (while a small renovation project happened on my house) to 3 months (after my car accident), to 6 months (after a broken engagement)...to 8 MONTHS with my boyfriend, while my house was completely renovated. Needless to say, my grandmother has the patience of a saint. Therefore, the usual "let her know what you've been up to" wouldn't suffice. Here's what I wrote instead. *I figured I could post it here, since she probably wouldn't read my blog between now and Christmas morning, right?

Dear Grandma,

“You come by it honestly.”

How often do we utter that statement? In our list-making, our gingersnap-baking, our penchant for gift-wrapping, and the way we tear up at every emotional moment (happy, sad or MAD)…those are the traits we share. I’m my mother’s daughter, and definitely my grandmother’s granddaughter.

We share so many personality traits – aside from your questionable aversion to sushi, of course – that it’s clear we’re related. Some things are just in our blood, or were passed on from generation to generation that one can say, “Well, Kristen…you came by that honestly.”

But I think that, even more than the traits we share, I treasure most the moments that we've shared…as individuals, as different women.

Grandma, you have shared so much with me over the last 12 years. You have shared meals with me. You have shared your house with me….4 times to be exact! You have shared your money with me after my accident when I was out of work. You have shared showers with me when I had to have someone make sure I could support myself after surgery. You have shared your stories with me, and thoughts with me, and very looooooong car-rides with me. And most of all, you’ve shared your patience with me… and your heart with me.

With you I’ve shared snowy drives through midtown Atlanta in search of lost car keys. I’ve shared some pretty interesting pain medicine-induced conversations. I’ve shared rides behind a tow-truck after my chronic car troubles. I’ve shared many a night eating breakfast because we were both too tired to think of anything else to make. I’ve shared my successes at work, as well as my failures at life and love(s)... I’ve also shared my opinions where we didn’t always agree.

I’ve seen you angry. You’ve seen me sad. I’ve seen you healing. And you’ve seen me healing. I’ve seen you as a wonderful wife and partner to Grandaddy for all those years, and as a wonderful and amazing woman on her own for these last 12. You’ve seen me in and out of relationships, succeeding and failing…succeeding and failing; and hopefully now, much stronger than I ever have been – on my own.

I can’t tell you how much of an angel you have been to me over the past 12 years. Don’t get me wrong… you were very special to me the other 22 years of my life, as well! It’s just that in the last 12 years our relationship has grown in ways that I don’t know it ever could have had I lived elsewhere. Or had all the circumstances of my, or your, life been different. But life led us both here, together. It brought us together to share all of these moments. For that, and for you, I am eternally grateful.

You have helped me become the woman I am today. Not just in the traits I come by honestly, but in the honest moments we shared.

I love you Grandma. Thank you for everything.

-Kristen

I've been working very hard on my yard this year. At the beginning of the year, I thought I might be leaving in the fall -- to go away to school -- and that this was my last spring and summer in the yard. It was a hard realization to have because it brought home all of the transformational work I've done to the yard over the past seven years. Literal blood, sweat and tears have gone into my yard -- along with it much Advil & "recovery" cocktails after long days' work.




It hit me that I might not actually be ready to say goodbye to it yet. As much as parts of the yard -- the messes, the failures, those "problem areas" and things left undone -- as much as they frustrate, disappoint or infuriate me to the brink of throwing up my hands and saying "screw it - let me move to the city to a place without this upkeep," I realized I would really miss it. I also realized that now hile I'm on my own & not bound to opinions of others, I'm finally fully in control.


While I've always picked the plants & dictated the design in my past, married life, I still would always get distracted by the projects of others instead of addressing the areas that bugged me. I'm not putting blame on the other person in the relationship; I'm merely saying "It happens." Whenever there are two people involved, there are usually two sets of ideas and you run the risk of losing a cohesive, overall vision. Some couple have gelled (similar or cooperating) visions, others let one person direct. Other couples have competing visions.


Yet none of that is an issue anymore. If I want to fix something, I fix it. If I want to do something, I do it. Boom -- CHANGE. And I did it. In taking control of things, I also take pride...more pride. I even started taking more pride in all the work I did while in my last relationship. I'm more proud to admit: "I designed that," "I picked those color palettes," "I picked those plants." I also can admit, "I tried that. It didn't work. But I think I learned why."

I want to make things work where they didn't before. I want to learn more, do things with more thought. I want to invest in quality projects -- things that last. I'm willing to spend where it counts. These are all things I've learned this time around. And this time, I'm in control.

Of course, I'm human & I want everything "perfect" right now. But I have to remind myself it won't be and that that really takes the true gratification our of it. As I looks to the yard, at each part and say "I did that. I built that. That took 2 weekends. That took 2 years," my heart wells up. I created something -- it's an ongoing project -- but it's mine. My own little world, imperfect yet beautiful, in my hands & of my heart.

Photo 1: The backyard today, April 2011.
Photo 2: The backyard today, April 2011.
Photo 3: The backyard "BEFORE" - Spring 2004.

Tumblr.

Consider it an amuse-bouche. I have a Tumblr now:


http://thegoodpart.tumblr.com/


In keeping with the "Good Part is Now" theme, I created the Tumblr as a place where I can post the little things that make me happy. Things I find online...recipes that tickled my tastebuds...photos of things that make me smile.

I'll still try and post on this blog when I feel the urge to write more than 140 characters or post a video or link online. But for little tastes of Kristen and The Good Part's Next, feel free to check out the Tumblr.

You want a post? Here you go..

Why haven't I been blogging lately?

I'm too busy being happy, dammit.

That's right. I'm happy. And I'm encountering obstacles every day. But I'm still happy.
My life is all rainbows from rainclouds these days. Literally. See that photo? I thought for a moment I was having a sad day, but then I saw that rainbow. And not just any rainbow...no! A DOUBLE RAINBOW. How often do you see a sign like that? Not often. My frown turned upside down.....Happy.


Two weeks ago I was in NYC and having a frustrating morning after plans didn't go as scheduled. I felt rushed for time. I felt anxious about making an afternoon train to Long Island. I started to -- for a very brief moment -- get cranky & sad. I decided I needed to "take a moment" and sit down -- on the floor, no less -- of Grand Central Terminal. At noon. In NYC.... So I sat down on the marble floor & tried to correct my attitude. I had been so happy the entire trip; I didn't want to ruin things for the rest of it. I looked up. Up on the ceiling, next to Sagitarrius or one of those zodiac figures, there was a smiley face Mylar balloon...smiling right down at me.

I began to both sob AND burst into hysterical laughter. This continued on for about 5 full minutes. I sat down to to "take a moment" and get my attitude straight, and the universe decided to make that happen right away. Once again I was given a sign that everything was A-OK and that I just needed to smile. It reminded me of what was important. Of where I was. Of who I was with. Of all that's right. It reminded me to be happy. And I was....from that moment on.

When I returned home from my amazing Memorial Day vacation 1) four hours late 2) at 1:30am on the night before a hellish day of work and 3) with no "juice" left on my iPhone or energy left in my body, my hot water heater decided to start spewing water all over my utility closet & hallway floor. I had the pleasure of dealing with this by myself for the next 2.5 hours on my hands & knees. Thankfully, my brother was able to guide me via text message on some of the temporary repairs, so that I could at least get a little sleep without worry of a household deluge. Over the next 2 days, I found a plumber myself, dealt with the no-water situation myself, and oversaw the replacement of the water heater myself.....ALL WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. The plumber even commented that he was so impressed by my good attitude over the matter (and the $950 repair). My response? It doesn't do my any good or make me feel any better to be sad or angry. I might as well just deal with it and be happy.

I've faced similar situations with: My Car (needed a new engine, warranty company denied the claim, fought the warranty company, and won). My Yard (fought with weedeaters, lawnmowers, 67 bags of mulch, incessant weeds, heat exhaustion, snakes, possums, and an unlevel kiddie pool that I won't let get the best of me). My Job (all the usual suspects here + increased volume of product + increased sales + increased responsibilities & new large marketing project). Yet despite all of these hurdles, I AM HAPPY, DAMMIT.

Oh, and did you know I "passed therapy?" I'm too damn happy that MY THERAPIST TOLD ME NOT TO COME BACK. See was so pleased with everything I was doing and the ways in which I was handling every obstacle, every tough conversation, every decision that she told me I didn't even need therapy. I'm happy dammit! She didn't need my $35 every few weeks. Told me to go take myself out to dinner. So I did! HAPPY.

I'm stupidly, giddily, excitedly, spiritually, emotionally, blissfully happy. No matter if I have a cold, if I'm making a cocktail, if I'm stuck in a power outage, if I'm playing with the dog, if I'm stuck on a Tarmac, or if I'm sitting on a beach with my feet in the sand. I'm happy. And I'm not regretful. And I'm filled with love and hope and confidence. (And often times, good food & drink.)

So if you want to know why I've been too busy to write, it's because I've been too busy living. To the fullest. And to the the truest form of me I've ever known. THAT'S what I've been doing.

The good part isn't next. The good part is NOW.

And I can't wait for it to get even better.

"Pardon me, but where have you been?"

Yes, I have not blogged since 2009. Yes, a lot has happened since last fall. I debated with myself over how to share some of this news, and finally just decided to spill the news on the blog. If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you may already know what's been going on. However, if you're like my mom & this blog is your only way of keeping up with me (outside of a phonecall or word-of-mouth), this post is for you.

The big news is that I'm getting a divorce. It's also one of the main reasons I've been absent from blogging for a few months, as I have been wrapped up inside my own brain for quite some time. I also didn't know what to say, and when, and to whom. If you're one of my friends and had no idea, then I apologize that this is the way you found out. I, honestly, did not know the right way to tell you via e-mail & I was too scared to have the conversation by phone. Why? Well, it wasn't an easy decision to come to, and I couldn't imagine that telling those who attended my wedding would be easy either.

There are many reasons that led to the dissolution of the marriage, and none of which I will go into in such a public forum. It was one of those situations that the problems were so far below the surface that I (or we) failed to acknowledge them for months -- years, really -- until they were too great to be fixed. Or rather, they were too far gone for me, personally, to want to fix them. Is this a personal failure? Is this just a failure of the relationship? I don't know. I do know that there were problems on both sides of the relationship -- the greater of which all landed in my own lap. And I take full responsibility for those problems.

Nevertheless, after weeks of discussions, counseling sessions, tears, hugs, fights, and some good/positive talks, T & I resolved to dissolve. I moved out of the house for several weeks in Feb/March, and T found his own place to live. I am now back living in the house with our dog, Daisy. Things are finally getting back to normal -- a new normal...a good normal.

In fact, I'm feeling better and happier than I have in a really long time. I'm finding confidence in my new independence. I'm rediscovering & nurturing passions such as cooking & reading. I'm going out & eating by myself, and overall, enjoying life.

I also began a GMAT prep course at Emory last Saturday which will continue through the end of April. I spent the last week poring thru GMAT prep books & practicing math problems that I haven't attempted since 9th grade Geometry. (A humbling experience for sure, by the way.) I hope to take the GMAT in late spring/early summer, and I will embark on the MBA application process soon after that. I have also been compiling a list of B-schools I am considering. This task is becoming increasingly daunting, as I realize almost all of the schools I am considering are top-tier B-Schools. I've never aimed this high for anything in my life. I've always settled for less and made the most of things. I don't want to settle anymore.

So yeah...a lot has happened. Life-changing events. I've neglected friends & family, as I've dealt with all of this primarily by myself. Please forgive me, but I really needed to do it in such a way. By myself. For myself.

And all in all, I think I'm dealing with it a-OK. Nevertheless, I promise to do a better job keeping people in the loop from here forward, especially with the school prospects.

On another note, I have to add this: never before has my blog title felt so appropriate. I truly feel like the good part IS next. And for the first time in a long while, I feel like I might actually get there.